niedziela, 11 stycznia 2009
Why we love kids... sometimes ;)
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report."My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What 'd he do?"
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
poniedziałek, 21 kwietnia 2008
Murphy's lesser known laws xD
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is idiot proof, because they are constantly building better idiots.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
piątek, 28 grudnia 2007
1. W zamkniętym pokoju umieścić 400 cegieł.
2. Wpuścić nowo zatrudnionych do pokoju z cegłami, zamknąć drzwi.
3. Zostawić ich samych sobie, wrócić po 6 godzinach.
4. Ocenić sytuację:
a. Jeżeli liczą cegły, dać ich do księgowości.
b. Jeśli liczą po raz drugi, dać ich do audytu.
c. Jeśli porozrzucali cegły po całym pokoju, dać ich do działu inżynieryjnego.
d. Jeśli układają cegły w przedziwnym porządku, dać ich do planowania.
e. Jeśli rzucają w siebie cegłami, dać ich do działu obsługi.
f. Jeśli śpią, dać ich do działu zabezpieczeń.
g. Jeśli pokruszyli cegły na gruz, dać ich do działu informatyki.
h. Jeśli siedzą bezczynnie, dać ich do kadr.
i. Jeśli mówią, że przetestowali różne kombinacje i szukają dalszych, ale nie ruszyli ani jednej cegły, dać ich do sprzedaży.
j. Jeśli już wyszli do domu, dać ich do marketingu.
k. Jeśli się gapią przez okno, dać ich do planowania strategicznego.
l. Jeśli gadają między sobą, a nie przełożyli ani jednej cegły, pogratulować im i dać ich do zarządu.
m. Jeśli się obłożyli cegłami w taki sposób, żeby nie było ich widać ani słychać - dać ich na listy wyborcze do parlamentu.
poniedziałek, 29 października 2007
PARENT - Job Description
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
niedziela, 21 października 2007
A man was attempting to ride his bicycle from Phoenix to the Grand Canyon. He made it across the desert without incident. But, when he reached the mountains, the steep grade wore him down. So, he decides to hitchhike.
Some time later, a car approaches and offers the cyclist a ride, but then says, "Your bicycle won't fit in the car." So, he opens his trunk and takes out a piece of rope. Then, he ties one end of the rope to the bicycle and the other end to his bumper. "You've got a horn on your bike. If I go to fast, honk your horn and I'll slow down."
This scheme worked well for several miles, until another car zooms past. Not to be outdone, the man takes off in pursuit (with the bicycle still in tow).
Both cars fly through a speed zone and a trooper's radar gun clocks them traveling at 120 mph. The trooper radios ahead, to another officer, and says, "You've got two vehicles headed your way and they're both doing over 120 mph."
"10-4 good buddy," replies the fellow trooper. "I'll get 'em."
The first trooper hesitates a moment, then adds, "And, you're not going to believe this. There's a guy following on a bicycle and he's honking to pass!"
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? "What do women really want?" Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly. ;)
Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Man: "So what is you do for a living?"
Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Man: "That is right."
Neighbor: "The fact you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Man: "Right again."
Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Later that same day...
Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies and gentlemen running around with tattoos?
Pytania bez odpowiedzi xD
* Dlaczego nie ma takich tytułów w gazetach: "Wróżka wygrała w Totka"?
* Dlaczego, żeby skończyć pracę w Windowsie trzeba nacisnąć na "Start"?
* Dlaczego sok cytrynowy jest robiony z koncentratu, a płyn do mycia naczyń z prawdziwej cytryny?
* Dlaczego BigMaca popija się dietetyczną Colą?
* Dlaczego nie ma pokarmu dla kotów o smaku myszy?
* Po co sterylizowana jest igła przy wykonywaniu kary śmierci przez zastrzyk?
* Dlaczego samoloty nie są robione z tego samego materiału co czarne skrzynki?
* Dlaczego kamikadze nakładają kaski?
* Jaki jest synonim słowa "synonim"?
* Dlaczego w lodówce jest światło, a w zamrażalniku nie?
czwartek, 18 października 2007
środa, 17 października 2007
czwartek, 11 października 2007
Dr X.: Cura minora.
Student: Przepraszam, czyja kura?
Prawo jest jak płot - żmija zawsze się prześliźnie, tygrys zawsze przeskoczy a bydło tylko stoi i czeka.
Uniwersytet M.C. Skłodowskiej
Prawo administracyjne - egzamin
Pytanie: Co oznacza skrót NIK?
Odpowiedź: NIK to identyfikator użytkownika.
Uniwersytet w Białymstoku
Proszę państwa, jaką formą własności jest grób?
Student: Użytkowanie wiekuiste.
Europejska Wyższa Szkoła Prawa i Administracji
Co to jest osoba prawna?
Studentka: Ja będę osobą prawną jak skończę studia.
Uniwersytet Mikołaja Kopernika
Administracja, studia zaoczne, cena za semestr 1800 zł.
Studenci wchodzą do nowej auli bez stołów i krzeseł siadają na podłodze i oczekują na wykład. Wchodzi wykładowca, uśmiechając się mówi:
- O będziecie się mogli państwo poczuć jak w teatrze greckim.
Na co pada odpowiedź z sali:
- Niezupełnie, tam bilety są nieco tańsze.
Prawo cywilne, analiza jednego z artykułów KC, prowadzący pyta:
- Na czyją niekorzyść zawarta jest umowa?
Na sali cisza...
- To może metodą testową: Krowa, kura czy ubezpieczyciel?
Uniwersytet M.C.S. filia w Rzeszowie
Wejście do UE nam się opłaci np. dlatego, że zniknie z rynku paprykarz szczeciński, po którym zdechł mój pies.
Uniwersytet Mikołaja Kopernika
Jeżeli od zbioru studentów odejmiemy studentów słuchających, to otrzymamy te dwie panienki które teraz beztrosko rozmawiają w drugim rzędzie.
Uniwersytet Adama Mickiewicza
Jesteśmy prawnikami dlatego, że matematyki żeśmy nie znali.
Uniwersytet w Białymstoku
Na kongresie lingwistów pewien profesor prowadzi wykład:
- ...w wielu językach występuje pojedyncze przeczenie, podwójne przeczenie, podwójne przeczenie oznaczające potwierdzenie, pojedyncze potwierdzenie, podwójne potwierdzenie... ale w żadnym języku nie ma podwójnego potwierdzenia, będącego zaprzeczeniem.
Głos z tyłu sali:
- Dobra, doooobra...
wtorek, 09 października 2007
- What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
THE YEAR'S BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES OF 2003:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a a bit too far!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [might work better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what comes from eating all those beans!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [I certainly hope so!]
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.
- Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?
The cousin smirked and replied:
- Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
The parents told their little son Robbie that now that his baby sister was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
- It's no use. - Robbie said - She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us.
Year 2035 News
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Weapons Inspectors in Iraq still "hot on the trail" of weapons of mass destruction.
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said: - When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:
- And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place! -----
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Brisbane. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below was having a great time, when one of them realized she hasn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her and whispered, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Church Bulletin Bloopers! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.
* The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance toget rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.